Once, there was a very evil man who wanted to take over the world and kill and enslave all the Jews.
His name was Lavan Ha’Arami.
When Lavan was getting on and about to die, he called his son Bilaam to come and have a chat.
Son, he began.
I’m really proud of the way you’ve become the world’s number one sorcerer! All that stuff you do with the donkey – fabulous!
And that neat trick with cursing people – and also encouraging the nation of Israel to make God really angry by posting up all sorts of smutty pictures of themselves on their Instagram feed – pure genius!
Lavan grew serious.
But son, while this is a fantastic start, I’m concerned that once I’m dead, our ability to really influence and destroy the nation of Israel is going to wane considerably….
And if the Jews are still sticking to God and their Torah, it’s going to be impossible for us to take over the whole world and turn them into devil-worshipping scummers….
Father and son looked at each other, worried.
Then Bilaam spoke up.
Dad, I have a cunning plan! It’s so cunning, you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel!
Laban nodded him on.
I have two sons, Yanus and Yambrus. Right now, they are working as idolatrous priests killing babies for the Baal, but they are looking for a new challenge.
Let’s get them to ‘stick to’ the Jews when they leave Egypt with Moshe, and then they can continue subverting them from within! They have excellent yichus… No one will ever suspect.
Laban suddenly brightened up.
Tell me more, my clever son!
Bilaam took a breath, then continued.
So, the plan is this. Yanus and Yambrus will confuse the Jews and lead them astray by constantly causing division and pulling them away from God and the Torah with non-stop machloket and ‘politics’.
One will say ‘black’, and the other one will say ‘white’ – and they will encourage their followers to hate and despise each other, whilst constantly whipping them up into states of fear and panic about the external ‘bogeyman’ who is coming to get them.
In the CIA manual for how to subjugate a country, the first page explains that: “Scared, panicked people are very easy to control and manipulate…”
The Jews will have no idea who to really trust or what is going on – and then, it’s the easiest thing in the world to swoop in and destroy them.
And don’t forget the bikini selfies on Instagram for the women! He chided gently.
Their God hates all the pritzus on social media more than anything else….
Dad, I’ve been working on that for a while, don’t fret.
My orthofems have been encouraging women to ‘emancipate themselves’ across the frum world for years, already, and I even gave them a buchta of cash, so they could sue Ikea….
And you need a smartphone today just to call your mum via Whatsapp…. That side is covered, believe me.
Ok, so then what’s the plan for Yanus and Yambrus? Laban asked.
Bilaam cleared his throat.
Very simple. They will keep turning the Jews against each other, from within. They’ll pretend to be their best friends, doing everything for the Am – I learnt this from you Abba – while really, just trying to kill and control them.
Sounds like a plan, son, But let me just consult the teraphim.
Laban brought out the shrunken heads of two dead children that had a slip of paper with Hebrew letters placed under their tongues, that enabled them to speak.
Well guys, what do you say to the plan? Does the boss like it?
The boss likes it, the teraphim replied in unison. But he’s got some amendments.
Laban started taking some notes.
The boss says keep the focus on the media, in particular.
Sure, get our guys into all the key positions in governments – elected and unelected – on all sides of the political divide.
But also, get our guys running all the media and the alt media, too.
Get them embedded for many decades before you activate them – give them enough time to grow really long side-curls and beards, so people trust them.
Let them have some big public ‘blow outs’ over a manufactured crisis of faith in the establishment, so people trust them.
Let them publically criticise the government and the ‘bad guys’ – and make sure you close down every other voice of truth speaking publically, except for our guys.
They’ll sound so ‘good’ and so ‘truthful’ compared to everyone else, no-one will suspect they are also really just working for us!
Are the Jews really that dumb, to fall for all this? Laban asked.
Sure they are! The Teraphim chirped in unison.
Any time anyone questions one of our plants, we’ll just tell them they ‘made teshuva’ and turned over a new leaf.
Laban was still unsure…. I mean, he’d tried his darndest to kill and subjugate Yaakov, but in the end, the guy had managed to escape with all his property and family….
You couldn’t trust a Jew as far as you could throw them.
Maybe, the boss was underestimating them?
Go get your crystal ball, one of the Teraphim barked. I want to show you something.
Laban got the ball out of its box, and set it up on the table in front of him.
What do you see? The Teraphim asked him.
I see some dingy roundabout in Huwara, that says it was funded by USAID.
The Teraphim spoke in unison: What do you see now?
I see someone writing an opinion piece about how bad USAID is, and how it’s just funding the terrorists all over Yehuda and the Shomron, and how it’s all the fault of ‘the left’.
And now…. What do you see, Laban?
I see the head of USAID and the journalist sitting down to eat some turkey together for Thanksgiving…. Hey, they are exactly the same mishpocha!!!